Dear Cooking (we need to talk)

Dear Cooking,

My roommate down here in the “south” (disclaimer she is NOT from the south), finds you soothing. I however find you quit torturous. Yes, that’s right torturous! You make me feel inadequate and unloved. If things don’t change… well then I am not sure this relationship will last.

I am aware that you make most food bearable to eat (raw hamburger meat doesn’t sound so tasty) but the hassle you put me through is rough.

Let’s start with a recipe, why do you insist on involving math… conversion tables? What’s a pinch and why do we need 1/3 cup of whatever strange ingredient you have mustered up today. Can’t we just call it an even cup? Is there any particular reason you prefer Hershey’s chocolate vs. Godiva? Why are there so many brands of one ingredient?

And Pans? Really do I need a whole set? I think one pan is enough, maybe two simply because I’m lazy and don’t want to wash the other one right away! I like a good sink full of dishes (really, I do, it means I attempted cooking). There should be no pans without Teflon, all the other kinds usually end in some sort of flame.

Ohhhh and how about temperatures, I don’t believe you when you say 5 degrees will make a difference. I like rounding numbers to the next hundred, my life would be sooo much easier without you!

Why why why?!! Do you leave 14 spoons laying out on the counter-tops, making me taste you every five minutes adding serious mass to my rear-end! I don’t know if you grasp this, but I have to fit into my bathing suite this summer.

I would also like to know why, when you decide dinner is ready that you must loudly announce it with the smoke alarm… the neighbors do NOT need to know when we are eating. Can’t you calmly send your aroma through the house and entice others to come down and say “wow, that smells delicious, what are you cooking?” instead I get “what the heck are you doing the stove is on fire!!!” I realize the stove is on fire, that’s why I have the fan blowing and I am hopping up and down screaming at it. And eating with the doors wide open to get the stench of the burnt food out of the house is not pleasurable, the middle of winter in particular.

I am aware that you are trying to make my life easier with recipes of tasty deliciousness… but could you tone it down a little. No conversion tables, no pans without Teflon, no weight gain and seriously can we cut it out with the smoke alarms… If you are willing to work on these issues I can see us having a lasting relationship, until then our future is looking desolate.

let's talk,

Amanda